It's strange to just write down how you feel. It's good for me, though, I should keep doing it.
Lately I barely feel anything, it scares me sometimes. Should I go see a therapist again? Start talking medication again? I'm afraid I've taught myself to suppress any real feelings. Like I'm living life in a daze, like I'm not really there. I try not to think about it too much. Try to just keep living my life. Maybe it will be better someday.
I wish it was possible to just go to bed with my music and books and movies and Niki and the cats and stay there forever, that no one would notice we were gone. No mail, no bills, no obligations. Being an adult can really suck. I wish I could be three years old forever! I'd just have to make a noise, and people would come and figure out if I wanted to sleep, or eat or poop, and tend to it. Well, if I live long enough, I'll probably turn back to that state anyway.
Do these things become easier? Will there be a point in my life where I can look back, and read thins and giggle at my childish whining? I hope so.
There was a presentation a few days ago, about choosing your masters, about writing a bachelors thesis. It all came so close, I don't want to do all those things yet! I just want to go to class and learn interesting things, and get away with not reading all the books by bluffing myself through exam questions. How am I ever going to do so much research that I can actually write a thesis on it? Everyone around me seems to take it for granted, well, of course people complain about the length, not enough time. But I haven't heard anyone say they were afraid they couldn't do it. That they weren't smart enough. That it must be a mistake that they've made it so far through university.

Well, we'll see....to be continued....

 03/05/2010

Come close, so close that I
can breathe you breath
Your skin, like milk, like silk
Come ease your head

I watch each movement of
your mouth, I'm tense
Mesmerised by your hands
Hold, touch, kiss, lick

I want to roam the kingdom that is your body
Explore, adore
Your kisses like hammers that bruise my soul
I'm weak for you
So weak for you
I float above the kingdom
Your fingers pull me back to
you.

Every second that you blink
I miss the flicker of your eye

Every cell of you is music
And I will learn to play
I think I could play your muscles
Your nerves could be my strings

And when I learn to play you well
In glorious melody I'll dwell

08/01/2010

 I haven't been careful enough. That must be it.
I wasn't watching. I thought I was...
I thought I would never be dragged into this room again.
A room I built myself.
A small, round brick room in the middle of nowhere.
I didn't even realize I was building it again.

Why is it that when I don't feel safe I build this wall?
Because I know it won't keep everything out forever,
Mostly it keeps me inside.
That is not what I want!
And my feelings, my thoughts,
They bounce off the walls and come screaming back into my body, my head.
I try. I try to get them out, but there's nowhere they can go.

I scream from the top of my lungs.
I scream for help. I want people to come with
sledgehammers
and
beat
this
wall down.
And they come.
My friends, my loves, my family.
Outside the walls, trying to help.
I feel the hammers beating.

The wall keeps standing.
Some bricks crumble.
But I'll have to do this myself again.
Brick by fucking brick.
I don't want to.
It hurts.

I lie in the corner
With my head under a blanket
And music pumping in my ears.
The wall is unattended.
And it grows and grows.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
I thought I could do this.
I feel so alone.
So disconnected.
I want a sledge hammer.

All right, Tess is right about the fact that Facebook is just not suitable for personal (really personal) messages, but it's nice to post your misery and heartfelt passions somewhere.

I have posted a few blogs here: 47leonie.blogspot.com/ ,though.
I'll give it another shot, livejournal. But some changes have to be made!!
Get rid of all this pink and pretentious gothy bullshit...so change the lay-out, and go through my old friendlist and clean up...
I'm very tempted to delete some of my very tragic Jeniffer Garner-obsessed post, but maybe it will be endearing to read when I'm 50, or something...

And I'm going to try to change this shit username....

Top Commenters on nightrose_wish's LiveJournal
(Self and anonymous comments excluded from rankings)

1	dearcarniwhore	93
2	door_n_roosje	26
3	diaryfreaky	22
4	timedoesnotheal	16
5	dudette_pirate	14
6	fuzzel	12
7	x_feline_eyes_x	12
8	heroin_i_said	12
9	sneeuwwitje	9
10	remmetje	9

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Yes, I am obsessed by that ugly little creature that came of of that beautiful woman. But it's so gross!



( kill me )

Sharon and Gavin are delighted to announce the birth of their son Cathal Robert Gerard Bonnar, to be called 'Cal'. He was born in Dublin on Friday March 31st at 12.45pm and weighed 5 pounds 8 ounces. Sharon, Gavin and Cal thank everyone for their congratulations and best wishes.

waarom? waarom? waarom?

Hoe veel kun je van iemand houden?

Ik bedoel, het is nu 2 uur 's nachts. Ik had met mezelf afgesproken dat ik niet later dan tot 23.00 bij toneel zou blijven. Lucienne (regisseuse) zat er ook doorheen, dus..om een uur of 22.00 zouden we stoppen. Prima. Maar goed, ze ging maar door. Ik maakte me wel zorgen om dr, dus ik probeerde haar er steeds aan te herrinneren, maar ze draafde weer eens lekker door in dr artistieke vermogen. Ze werd ook steeds verder meegetrokken in de roes van dr wijn, dus ik ging ook maar niet weg.
Om een uur of 12 was ze best bezopen, en een half uur later was ze ZO bezopen dat ze het zelf ook toe kon geven.
For the record...ik ben 19, zij is 50...
Ik heb dr wijn afgepakt.
Dr volgegoten met water.
De studio afgesloten.
Luus thuis gebracht.
Dr op de bank gezet.
Glaasjes water voor dr gehaald.
Gezorgd dat dr man er was.
En we hebben nog ZO lang zitten praten.
Ik hou zo veel van die vrouw. Ik zat gewoon constant bewonderend naar dr te kijken.
Pas toen ze weer nuchter was en ik zeker wist dat ze ging slapen ben ik naar huis gegaan. om kwart voor 2.
Voor mij is dat liefde.
Ik zou echt alles doen voor die vrouw.
Als zij jonger was of ik ouder, zou ik ZO ongelofelijk verliefd op dr zijn. Nu blijft het gelukkig bij bewondering :p
Ik hoop dat ik op die manier oud mag worden. Genietend en gelukkig.